Missing my mom

(This picture is of Brandi, Jen & my mom in '01, and as you can see, she was in the middle of Chemo and not afraid to pretend to be one of Charlie's Angels)

Maybe it is because I lost my mom at a critical time in my adult life, but I worry so much that I won't be able to teach Lily everything she needs to know in life. I realize that there is nothing I can do to control that, and right now all she needs is to be safe, fed, dry and loved, but I try to tell her everything. I talk to her telling her things that I wish my mom could have told me. I try to teach her everything even though I know she doesn't understand. I tell her things like what kind of man she should marry. I tell her how she should always put money away just for herself no matter what. I tell her about what it is like to have a baby and how much she has changed my life. If anyone was ever looking in on me when Lily and I talk during the day they would think I was crazy because I talk to her like she is an adult. I write everything down just in case. I guess deep down I have a fear that I will die young too and I want to make sure Lily doesn't miss anything. It isn't really like I am truly frightened, but sometimes I feel like I need to hurry up. In a way it is good because I don't take anything for granted, I just don't think it is healthy to worry so much. I know my mom is in me, and I feel her presence more than ever since becoming a mom, but there is so much that I wish she was here for. I wish I could pick up the phone and ask a quick question or ask some simple advice. I wish I could talk to her about raising a child. I wish I could share with her how proud I am of Lily. And I really wish I knew more about her. In the years since she has gone I have realized how little I knew about her. She was so dedicated to raising us that she always put herself second and in my selfishness I never bothered to get to know her like I wish I would have. I tell Lily all about her Grandma all the time and just hope I can be as good of a mom as mine was.